I have just been smacked in the face with some hard truths. I have asked myself tough questions and gotten painful replies. I could navel-gaze at you all, but I won’t. Instead, I will talk about truth-telling.
I don’t want to lie to myself, ever (and I think we are all excellent at deceiving ourselves so it can be a tough battle to wage). I want to see things for what they are, and most importantly I want to see myself for who I am. You hear about “keepin’ it real” but I think most often that refers to being authentic with others. For me, “keepin’ it real” has turned into an exercise of being honest with myself.
If I am honest, I must speak up from my deepest self. If I am honest, I must behave according to my values. If I am honest, I must work to create the world I want, or I will disintegrate in a pile of bile and putrid hatred.
So, I will be honest. I will tell the truth.
I received an email yesterday from someone who has never met me but felt free to write some pretty terrible stuff. At first, I was angry, livid even, about what this person wrote. And then I got indignant. What the hell! I didn’t deserve that! And then, I stopped, and I thought. “What is deeper than anger? What is below the indignation?” And I finally got to the answer. If I tell myself the truth, I feel sorrow. I feel sad that this person I have never met felt compelled to write what they wrote. It hurt my feelings because their words made assumptions about me that weren’t true. I wanted to defend myself. In fact, I rushed to do it. But then I stopped and went through the above process.
If I react from the initial place of anger and the secondary place of indignation, it will only create more of each. On the other hand, if I am honest, I will arrive at a place of sorrow. Do you want to know what happened? It changed my entire outlook. It transformed my energy. It let me breathe and it let me deal with what was really going on.
While meditating this morning, I sent thoughts to this person. I hope they will find comfort and peace. That is the best and only gift I can give them.
But the best gift I could give myself? I told myself the truth. And that changed everything.
From now on, and always, I will endeavor to keep doing that. If I manage it in my writing, my creativity, and my life, I will be blessed indeed.
Sending you all of my love.