You know what’s funny? I was talking to my friend Lynne the other night and said that I was the only woman I knew who had never been sexually assaulted or harassed. But, that’s not true. Rather, I have had things happen so often that I don’t even think of them as assault or harassment. It’s just become normalized. I can’t count the number of times in my life, since I was nine years old, that people have grabbed at my breasts while I was walking in public. The number of cat calls and times where someone has tried to pull me into a dark corner or a dark alley are just status quo. The instances have lessened as I’ve gotten older, but they still happen periodically. And I had stopped thinking of them as anything other than how things are.I think the thing that has differentiated these events for me is that I haven’t felt helpless. That must be the most terrifying thing – to feel powerless to stop it – and my heart is with all of you (women, men, and non-binary folks) who have gone through that. But, with the exception of one time in my life, I have always had agency. Even as a child I got really good at twisting thumbs. I became a martial artist so that anyone who approached me with that intent would, “draw back a stump.“
But there was one time when there was nothing I could do. In college, I was at a bar with a number of friends. One of the people there was a guy named Lewis. Lewis was huge. Lewis carried a gun. And Lewis felt no pain. Lewis was the kind of guy who would walk out into traffic and dare cars to hit him (literally). This night, at the bar, he decided that I was going home with him. Obviously, I didn’t want to. But, he grabbed me and was holding me to him and pawing at me, and I could not get away. No matter how much I struggled, this one time, all of my martial arts skills were useless because even a swift kick to the groin meant nothing because Lewis didn’t feel it when my knee connected with his balls.
I send grateful thanks to John for intervening that night. He talked Lewis down and got me out of there. John, your friendship and courage meant the world to me that night and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives.
But that moment, that loss of agency, changed something in me. I can only imagine what rape, incest, and other sexual assaults do to others.
We must have agency over our bodies. This idea that it is just normal or that “boys will be boys,” must end.*
If we stand together, and not allow it to be normalized, but to shine light on the behavior, we can make change. Together, we can educate and call out the behavior. Together, we can help others. Together, we can stop it. Of this, I am sure.
* I realize that others perpetrate assaults but the vast majority, I would say, are men.
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