Gender Identity, Dolls, and Strappy Sandals

I’m going to say something that is potentially incendiary. I don’t mean it to be, but here goes.

I’ve been noticing a trend recently and it has to do with gender-non-conforming clothes, products, and marketing. Please note: I am not trying to be insulting or insensitive to gender-fluid or non-binary people. I’m trying to understand how and why these changes in clothing/makeup/toy products and their relationship to gender identity are occurring in our culture.

It appears to me that at some point the clothes you wear or your makeup or hairstyle have become the marker for your gender identity particularly if you’re gender-non-conforming. Certainly, we’ve had prescribed/traditional gender-binary clothes for ages (women in dresses. Men in suits, etc.). And I guess those have been indicators of someone’s gender for a long time in that a boy hasn’t often worn dresses in recent times (and yes I know and appreciate kilts and sarongs a bunch. Bear with me on this. I have a point). And only in the last hundred (to 150) years or so have girls started wearing pants or slacks (and I’m sure my re-creation peeps will be able to provide instances of girls/women wearing pants over the last few thousand years).

So, I guess we come by our participation in this “outer styling tells the world your gender” thing through that – because it’s implicit. But should we let it continue? Should our clothes, makeup, and hair be what tells the world our gender identity (or genderlessness)? And is it the business of anyone who isn’t inside your head?

Isn’t it more who you feel on the inside that says that (unless of course, you want to proclaim it to the world somehow and then this post is just a thought process anyway)? And how are the clothes or makeup you wear the manifestations of that? Why are gender-fluid or gender non-binary the labels we tend to go for when we see someone who isn’t wearing what used to be considered traditional feminine or masculine clothes, hair, and makeup? Why do we need to label or assign it in some way? Why can’t they just be what this person decided to wear today?

It feels like at some point, we’ve started saying that these outer colors and coverings are what tell the world our gender identity, particularly if it’s different than “traditional” ones (I understand that those “traditional” roles are outdated and problematic). And here’s the incendiary part, I guess. It seems like this outer manifestation of a person who wears what is considered traditional for another gender is the sign that something is different than what an observer might assume based on traditional dress, hair, and makeup.

It’s like if someone who otherwise looks like a man but is wearing a skirt and heels that’s a clue that they might be a different gender than what we might have guessed if they had been wearing pants and a t-shirt. And this makes me ask, “why?” Is it just because the clothes, hair, and makeup are the simplest indicator of someone’s gender to people who don’t know them? And why is it anyone’s business what gender someone else is unless they know the person? And further, what if that man just felt like wearing heels today? Why would we think it is a reflection of his/her/their gender? Is it just because we’ve always done it that way? And again, should we let the practice continue? Might we all be better served to leave that identification up to the person if they choose to let it be known?

Here’s why I’m having trouble with this notion of “outer coverings tell the rest of us your gender identity” thing. If I meet someone and they tell me they have a preferred pronoun, I’ll use it. Other than that, I’m not sure how much call there is to think about someone’s gender identity. Other than supporting someone if they’re struggling, it’s not really any of my business. It’s my role to be a good person, to not judge, and to celebrate all living beings.

I love seeing and meeting people of all types. The world is an amazing place, and we have the potential to make incredible art, science, and kindness. So, who you are is much more important to me than what you wear. (And I get that it’s not all about me. And I get that I need to hush up and not impose my ideas on other people’s self-expression. I’m writing about this as an out-loud processing of my own questions.)

So, if you identify as a man and choose to wear makeup (which I find hot, personally), that’s super cool. Should we who see you walk down the street be making any assumptions about your gender or gender identity because of what you’re wearing? Or can we instead see you walk by, appreciate your style, and get on with our own lives?

If you identify as a woman, and you choose to wear a suit and tie (which I also find hot), that’s super cool too. And the same goes from above. Certainly, what you wear is a statement about who you are to the world in some ways. But it also could be an artistic expression or a practical one. Or it could be what you had to throw on today. Or it could be what you could afford. Or it could be the last clean thing in the closet.

If you’re gender non-binary or fluid or some other identity and you choose to wear a skirt and makeup, go for it. If you choose to wear a purple business suit and pink canvas strappy sandals that somehow still look comfortable, please tell me where you got them.

If you choose to wear makeup, purple hair, skirt, gold lame blouse, with fairy wings and a long, flowing beard like I saw on the subway yesterday, then I say go for it. I am not going to make any assumptions about your gender or gender identity. I figure you are who you are and I am who I am. My only caution would be to watch those fairy wings or they might get caught in the subway doors.

In the end, I guess it’s about self-identity and self-expression to me. And I get it that I’ve never had to go through the struggle since my gender has never been a question for me. But, I’ve also never had trouble with wearing whatever I want (or can fit into).

In these times, people have been far more “allowed” to wear traditionally masculine clothes than men have been “allowed” to wear traditionally feminine clothes. So, I imagine that if you’re gender-fluid/non-binary, that there is a certain freedom in putting on the clothes that reflect who you are on the inside.

Then, again, I come to why. Why does what you (the general you) wear reflect or assign or proclaim your gender identity to the people who see you? Why can’t it just be the clothes you felt like wearing? If you choose it to be a gender identifying statement, that’s cool. But again, I ask where that need might come from. Is it to have a say? Is it to make a statement? Is it to let people know? Is it freedom to be who you are (and in this last case, I again ask how the clothes and makeup provide that.)?

For Mattel, it’s a way to include more kids and to sell more toys. Representation is cool. And Mattel will earn more money as a result. And that I find fascinating.

Ultimately, I just wish we could celebrate the fact that we come in all shapes, sizes, patterns, and colors – without judgment and with love.

I’m most interested in whether or not you’re a good person. As for the rest, I’d really like to know where you got those sandals.

https://time.com/5684822/mattel-gender-neutral-doll/